'And What I Have to Say Is This'

I’m certain the least interesting thing I can know about you is your opinion of anything. And yet, people turn themselves into spring-loaded, opinion-manufacturing Jack-in-the-boxes. Just turn the crank. Dedicated opinion-makers – opinionists? – assume readers or listeners share their sweaty enthusiasm for off-the-cuff punditry. The mania for spouting off has grown pandemical since the coming of social media.

I could never take seriously the Indian-born novelist Salman Rushdie. He seemed just another mid-list careerist who dabbled in postmodernism and cashed in on the vogue for magical realism. I read the early books and they were always a slog. In February 1989, the Iranian literary critic Ruhollah Khomeini issued his fatwa against Rushdie for having published The Satanic Verses. Like the rest of the literate world I bought the novel and read it -- the death sentence was a shrewd career move -- and remember nothing about it save tedium. The impulse to demonstrate solidarity with a man likely to be murdered, and thus to reaffirm the wisdom of the First Amendment, was not enough to make me opine that Rushdie’s book was any good. As an American, I’m still embarrassed by the New York Times op-ed written by former President Carter, who called Rushdie’s novel an “insult” to Muslims everywhere. See what I mean about opinions?   

 

The fatwa proved to be time-released. Some evil soul last month assaulted the novelist with a knife, and the usual sources, pro and con, issued their pre-fab opinions. At least this time there was no blather about gun control. “Knife control” doesn’t have the same zing. I remembered something I read a long time ago by Joe Queenan. He hadn’t promptly weighed in on the fatwa. Three months later, in The American Spectator, Queenan published a dry-as-dust parody of the Rushdie-besotted handwringers:    

     

“The time has come for me to lay bare my soul and speak my piece, knowing full well the immense personal danger I risk in doing so. Here, now, I will say what I have to say -- and if this be folly, then let the devil take the hindermost!”

 

The behaviors Queenan mocks have come to be known as “virtue-signaling,” a close cousin of opinion-spewing. After spending most of the column assembling excuses for his delay, Queenan writes:  

 

“And what I have to say is this: There has to be a better way. Things simply can’t go on like this. We must love one another or die. Oi vey. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. It takes one to know one. El condor pasa. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. Eli, eli, lamasabatanna.

 

“Next month, I will share my thoughts on Joe Stalin.”

Auden's silliest line in this context is delicious.