“Though the Quickness of thine Ear were able to reach the noise of the Moon, which some think it maketh in its rapid revolution; though the number of thy Ears should equal Argus his Eyes . . .”
The first surgery
on my left ear was fifty years ago, prompted by a perpetually untreated head cold
as a kid. The good news is I’ve almost never caught a cold as an adult. The
next surgery, same ear, was a decade ago. It did nothing. Then aging took over.
I’m close to deaf in that left ear and the right isn’t much better. I’m
hopeless in a crowded room. What I hear is Charles Ives’ Symphony No. 4.
The
audiologist plotted my hearing test on two graphs, one for each ear. The left
ear looked like the American economy in 1929. I tried on sample hearing aids.
He told me to take a walk and listen. His voice was a little tinny. He said that can be fixed. I heard
ambient sounds previously lost on me – feet scuffing, one shopping cart pushed into another, a kid crying ten yards away -- all remarkably
clear. My hearing aids should arrive next week. No sense of vanity. At my age? Here’s
the rest of the passage cited above from Section XX of Sir Thomas Browne’s Christian Morals (1670s; pub. 1716):
“. . . yet
stop them all with the wise man’s wax, and be deaf unto the suggestions of
Tale-bearers, Calumniators, Pickthank or Malevolent Delators, who while quiet
Men sleep, sowing the Tares of discord and division, distract the tranquillity
of Charity and all friendly Society.”
3 comments:
My wife insisted that I go to an audiologist and get hearing aids. I told her she was mistaking “husband inattention syndrome“ for hearing loss, but I went and found that she was at least partially correct.
I really don’t need the hearing aids aids for everyday activities, so I generally don’t wear them, but I have found that they are terrific for listening to music. My audiologist set up a special setting for that, which I can invoke through an iPhone app. I just have to remember to do that before turning off my phone at concerts.
I also have a setting for use in restaurants, where they can be tweaked to focus on what the person across the table is saying.
You might ask your audiologist to do the same for you.
There are clear advantages to your condition. You can simply turn the hearing aid off to shut out car alarms, shitty music, shitty conversations. With especially annoying people, you can even feign total congenital deafness and bellow in that weird animalistic way like a dying horse, rolling your eyes and randomly throwing objects about; if that doesn't do the trick you can feign an epileptic fit brought on by your deafness, or jump out of the window, or even lock your persecutors into cupboards with the excuse, "I AM deaf, you know."
I have a set of AirPods, which have a noise cancellation setting. I use them even when I’m not listening to anything with them, in order to block the noise & irritating “music” in places like coffee shops and grocery stores.
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