As a boy I was often told I spoke too loudly. It makes sense, as I came from a family of yellers. It’s an annoying habit, usually inappropriate, one I associate with self-centeredness. I made a conscious effort to lower the volume, a rare instance of successfully stifling an obnoxious personal habit. As a reporter I learned the value of modulating speech -- when to keep it soft and intimate, when to speak louder and more forcefully, depending on your audience. The latter usually applied to people holding public office. I tried to follow Teddy Roosevelt’s advice.
I’ve heard from several
readers about the dearth of good, intelligent conversation in their lives. One
woman complains of “every conversation turning into a scolding or shouting
match.” I’ve seen the same thing, of course. I’ve always associated hollering and hair-trigger anger with what used to be called “poor breeding.” That is,
people who never had elders who could teach them basic etiquette. I’m not sure that’s the
case any longer.
Back in 2011, Commentary
asked forty-one people this question: “Are you optimistic or pessimistic about
America’s future?” Among the respondents was one of my favorite poets and
critics, Eric Ormsby. He chooses an appropriate passage from Whitman’s Democratic
Vistas, and writes:
“But it isn’t the obvious
dangers that America faces—terrorist attack, fiscal collapse—that most get me
down but something humbler, less catastrophic, and yet more insidious. I think
of it as the death of discourse. Nowadays, even among friends, a dissenting
opinion is met not with rebuttal or debate but with stony silence or Whitman’s ‘melodramatic
screamings.’ The purpose of conversation on any serious topic is no longer a ‘mass
of badinage’ but an occasion for sniffing out ‘deviant’ views and affixing
labels.”
Ormsby recounts that even when his family agued, “we were reconciled in mutual affection.” Wise words. A person is not his or her opinions. You don’t have to respect a stupid or offensive opinion but you do have to respect the person speaking it – at least for a little while. Good conversation is one of life's supreme pleasures. Boswell recounts Dr. Johnson saying: “The happiest conversation is that of which nothing is distinctly remembered but a general effect of pleasing impression.”
2 comments:
You simply have to resolve never to talk about politics. When the subject comes up, deflect it. If someone seeks assent for a partisan statement, say "Hah," "Hmm," or give them a friendly half-smile and shake your head sadly. Never agree or disagree. Let them say their piece and move on to something else. Resist the urge to express your own political opinions. For that matter, resist the urge to have political opinions.
In Chapter III, "Conversation, Manners, and the Home," of The House of Intellect, Jacques Barzun wrote "When we quote what Tocqueville said: 'I know of no country in which there is so little independence of mind and real freedom of discussion as in America," we must not ascribe wholly to timidity what is in part sensible self-restraint. Even in the great days of militant liberalism it was decreed that politics and religion should be excluded from general conversation."
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