'You Not There'

Must condolences, words of consolation, be as sweet and gentle as words of endearment? Do people want to be assured that the pain of grief and loss will go away, some day? I don’t have an answer. When a friend loses a loved one and I buy the inevitable sympathy card, I mouth the usual sentiments and never feel I’ve said quite the right thing. I become inarticulate. Too often, I feel self-centered, writing out of obligation, repeating the same old words, covering my ass so I’m not accused of thoughtlessness or indifference. Walter de la Mare in “Away” (Memory and Other Poems, 1938) suggests another way to look at the dilemma: 

“There is no sorrow

Time heals never;

No loss, betrayal,

Beyond repair.

Balm for the soul, then,

Though grave shall sever

Lover from loved

And all they share;

See the sweet sun shines

The shower is over,

Flowers preen their beauty,

The day how fair!

Brood not too closely

On love, on duty;

Friends long forgotten

May wait you where

Life with death

Brings all to an issue;

None will long mourn for you,

Pray for you, miss you,

Your place left vacant,

You not there.”

 

Bleak, comforting words. Think of the passing of grief following your death and mine – a blessing to survivors, easing their pain. My brother would have turned seventy-one today. I remembered “Flowers preen their beauty” while watching hummingbirds collecting nectar in the garden.